Nurtured Not Tortured - Guard Your Heart

GUARD YOU HEART -  Abuse-Proof Yourself

One thing common with EVERY abuser regardless of their orientation or status is to attack their target/victim’s self-esteem. It’s a gradual process, from isolation to condemnation to complaints and may even graduate or progress to physical abuse. No matter the type of abuse, it affects your emotions. Every form of abuse constitutes emotional abuse.

When your emotions are attacked, it’s difficult, if not impossible to function effectively in every area of life. It’s psychologically draining and could shut you down mentally and medically. It could lead to depression, insanity or some forms of sicknesses and diseases that have never even existed in your lineage or in medical history. These days that almost every medical issue is related to cancer, one has to be very careful about what you allow your mind to process.

If you’re able to understand these three major principles, it will help you to see the abuser differently and hopefully help you manage and control the relationship

1. You are NOT the victim, the abuser is. You’re only a target.

2. Abusers are weak and have deep insecurities that have nothing to do with you. By weakness, I don’t mean physically but emotionally. Research has shown that many abusers (not all) were ‘’targets’ of abuse themselves. It’s a vicious cycle. It’s one of the reasons some people are irrational, hateful, angry, bitter and impossible to deal with. No amount of make-up, clothes, cars, career or cars can cover it up. The internal issues always come out but you would only find out, if you’re on the receiving end. Being weak and insecure doesn’t mean they can’t hurt you. As the saying goes ‘’hurting people hurt others’’. Don’t ‘glue’ yourself to the receiving end.

3. Many abusers are abusive to boost their own ego and cover-up their insecurities. As a target, you become the ’bin’ or ‘container’ or ‘’a blanket’’ where all the anger, pain and insecurities are dumped and covered up. This may sound harsh, but that’s the way the abuser sees you.

So, what do you do? I don’t encourage people to use the phrase ‘’It’s not easy’’ in any situation. The sound of it alone is draining. It’s about perception. Instead, identify the challenges and take steps towards resolving those challenges, one step at a time.

Please bear in mind that there’s no one- size- fits -all solution to domestic abuse/violence. Your SAFETY should ALWAYS take priority. I’m typing these as they come to mind at the moment and I hope you find at least some of them, if not all useful

1. Never lose sight of ‘who you are’. Know thyself

2. Love yourself & Love you more each day

3. Don’t be afraid to say NO, you’re not a bin

4. Don’t compromise on your moral values and principles

5. NEVER worry or be concerned about ‘’what people will say’’. ‘They’ don’t matter

6. Challenge any ‘red flag’ as they materialise before it becomes the norm

7. Don’t create excuses or justify any unreasonable behaviour

8. Speak-Up for yourself. Sometimes we ‘’believe’ or ‘expect’ that the person hurting us should know that they’re hurting us. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. So speak up. Speaking up doesn’t mean you have to shout, create a scene or become violent, it’s about having a conversation.

9. Don’t make assumptions, ask questions

10. Activate the ‘’IGNORE’’ button in you to anything that tends to drain you emotionally.

11. The ‘shame’ that comes with abuse is NOT YOURS to bear. It’s the abusers. Think about it, the person is mistreating you. Right? Don’t carry the cross, you’re not Jesus Christ. Neither are you responsible for their upbringing.

12. It doesn’t matter how long the abuse has been going on for, it’s NEVER TOO LATE to get help

13. Don’t threaten to leave an abuser or make any threats at all. Threats from you as a target, are music to the abusers' ears.

14. Don’t play God with an intention or hope to ‘’change an abuser’’. You simply can’t. You can control how their actions affect you. When you’ve explored all options known to you…fasting, praying, counselling, therapy…Please get yourself to safety and continue the prayer (if you consider it necessary) from a very safe distance.

15. PRAY for YOU! You need all the wisdom and strength from God

16. You are BEAUTIFUL regardless of what’s been said to you

Don’t let ‘The Victim’ turn you into ‘a victim’. ‘’Guard your heart with ALL diligence, for out of it are the issues of life’’ - Proverbs 4:23.

Abuse-proof yourself, Speak Up and Get help.

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With Love

 Fèyísìtàn

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