Domestic Abuse - General Overview

Domestic Abuse - General Overview

 Narcissistic, Sociopathic and Psychopathic Traits in EVERY abuser

There are so many stories and on-going occurrences of domestic abuse resulting in marriages breaking down at an alarming rate but many people blame this on social media. In recent years, as human beings, we have unashamedly mastered and displayed the act of assigning blames to others for things we don’t understand and things we blatantly refuse to take responsibility for.

Domestic abuse is very common and it’s ruining and claiming lives. There are stories of spouses being murdered by the very person that’s supposed to love and protect them. Many have taken residence and admitted to psychiatric hospitals. Many have become shadows of their true selves because they’re in a committed relationship with an abuser. Many are suffering from emotional and grievous bodily harm inflicted by their supposed loved ones. Many suffering in silence and living in fear of being judged or stigmatised because society expects them to be quiet. Worse still, many turn a blind eye because it’s not happening to them or their loved one(s).

I’m not a professional Psychologist but you know the saying ‘’experience is the best teacher’. I currently hold a Diploma in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).  As Africans, I strongly believe the family units a.k.a the in-laws (each of us represent one) are the greatest contributors and primary enablers of domestic abuse and relationship breakdowns.

I have found out that in many African societies and cultures, there’s little or no awareness of mental and personality disorders. Many people ascribe the issue of domestic abuse to only physical beating and violence. Domestic abuse also includes emotional, psychological, financial and sexual abuse. It happens not only to women but to men and children on a daily basis regardless of religion, culture, tribe, age, financial or social status.

I believe the abusers are the real victims and the commonly accepted ‘’victims’’ are their ‘’Targets’’. I use target because an abuser is not necessarily abusive towards other people except the one(s) they’ve identified as ‘’Target’’. Abusers don’t usually appear with horns on their heads (typical representation of the devil) or adorned with a tag that says ‘’I’m an abuser’’. More often than not you cannot associate an abuser with their physical appearance. This is one of the major reasons other people find it difficult to relate to a targets’ account of experience with the abuser because they see and perhaps know the abuser differently.

There are blended elements of narcissistic, sociopathic and psychopathic (some people called them 'Narcopaths') traits in EVERY abuser that constitute red flags for a target to be mindful of.

I experienced marital Narcissistic Psychopathic abuse, find below some of the red flags:

1. Lack of empathy

2. Lack of remorse

3. Pathological/Compulsive Lying

4. Adulterous/Promiscuous

5. Aggressive/Violent - Easily angered particularly when challenged or not agreed with

6. Self-centeredness /High entitlement mentality

7. Controlling and Domineering

8. Manipulative /Delusional

9. Split/Multiple personalities – abusers usually wear many masks. This is another reason other people find it difficult to relate to a targets’ account of experience with the abuser

10. Grandiosity – unrealistic sense of superiority

11. Superficial charm and good intelligence – may be skilled in their chosen field

12. Deceptive/Unreliable

13. Ruthless/Calculative/Schemes

14. Irrational/Makes Reckless decisions

15. Unrepentant/Continuous ‘mistakes’

16. Name dropping

17. Arrogant/Boastful

18. Expert at playing victim

19. Financially reckless

20. Defensive – rarely admit they’re wrong

21. Unapologetic – justify their wrongs

22. Attention seeking/Exaggerate achievements

23. Unforgiving – not necessarily because you’ve done wrong. They’re capable of not forgiving you for not agreeing to their lies, unveiling them or refusing to be their victim

24. Back Stabbing – no one’s friend in real terms, not even themselves

25. Discord sowers –Turn people’s back against each other (Psychologists call it ‘’splitting’’)

May share false or confidential information and twist it to suit themselves or use it to back up their lies

26. Physical abuse – beating, slapping, shoving, kicking

27. Can be physically good looking though emotionally dead but possess a strong ability to feign love (usually for self-gain) so, don’t blame yourself for ‘’falling in love’’ with one but give yourself an emergency wake-up call.

The KEY STRATEGY an abuser uses is first to strip their target off his/her self-worth then gradually introduce other forms of abuse. As a target you may experience:

1. You’re gradually losing your self-confidence

2. No voice in the relationship. Decisions are one-sided

3. You may often feel isolated, hopeless, confused, less joyful or second guess yourself

4. You find yourself apologising for things you know clearly you didn’t do wrong

5. You’re made to believe it’s your fault the relationship is problematic

6. You know ‘’something’’ is wrong but you’re unable to express or articulate it

7. Frequently making excuses or justifying the abusers’ unacceptable behaviour to self, family and friends

8. Family and friends consistently express their concerns about your safety, withdrawal or isolation

If you’re in an abusive relationship and currently experiencing MANY or ALL of these, please bear in mind you could be in a relationship with a Malignant Psychopathic Narcissist. Please seek professional counselling as soon as possible.


1. YOU are the ONLY person in the position to STOP being abused

2. There’s NO REASON good enough to justify being abused or remain in such abusive relationship

3. PLEASE THINK SAFETY FIRST, SAFETY SECOND, SAFETY THIRD. Not divorce. You need to stay alive first to facilitate that if it eventually leads to it

4. SELF ASSESSMENT – carry out a realistic assessment of the relationship in order to make informed decisions

5. SPEAK OUT – through appropriate people and channel. Tell your story in truth and with dignity

6. GET Help – Sometimes best help come from strangers usually because family and friends that often assume they know your relationship better than you may become sentimental and promote quick fixes. So be prepared and don’t be disappointed if they don’t immediately buy into your decisions. With time, they’ll understand because eventually, abusers give themselves away

7. CONTACT the nearest available domestic abuse centres near you. Use Google or ask

8. EMPOWER YOURSELF - Knowledge is power. Understanding your situation is liberating


10. PLEASE DO NOT BASE the decisions of your life on opinions of people that will not bear the consequences with you.

Your life, Your Journey, Your experience, Your Truth….Own It

My name is Fèyísìtàn. I am a Christian lifestyle transformation Coach, Certified Cognitive Behavioural Therapist and a Domestic Violence Advocate. I am raising awareness about the ‘’Impact of Mental and Personality Disorders on Domestic Violence in African Societies’’.

To support this cause to raise awareness in order to save people’s lives and to educate the abusers, victims/ targets and their loved ones; please share and use the hashtag ‪#‎NurturedNotTortured‬ on your social media posts. Thank You.


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God Bless

With Love