The Foundation of Domestic Abuse

Posted By: Fèyísìtàn

Abuse is a learned behaviour. It's stemmed from upbringing, parenting, peer pressure, societal influence, associations and/or personal decisions. When you teach your children to lie for you, they will lie to you. Teach them to steal for you, they will steal from you. Those are facts. You can fast and pray 24/7, 365 days of the year for your children, tell them to do the right things but If your actions do not align with the message you're passing to them you'll lose them to the acts they see you perform. Children learn more from what they see and the acts being modelled to them than what they hear.

There are parents who tell their daughters ''men are horrible'' ''men can't be trusted'' ''men are dogs'' ''men will let you down''  etc, there are also parents who tell their sons ''don't trust any woman'' ''don't be faithful to any one woman but don't get caught'' ''big boys don't cry'' ''don't apologise to a woman'' etc

These false doctrines have been passed from generations to generations recreating and breeding different kinds and levels of abusers and broken people imbibing spirits of competition, confusion, segregation, entitlement, inferiority and superiority complex. Then you have broken people producing and raising broken children and then the cycle goes on and on. Some children are actually smarter than their parents. They know the difference between what is right and what is wrong until mummy or daddy begin to control and manipulate their thinking to suit themselves by their actions.

Unfortunately, it's still happening till date. Education, exposure, technology and religious activities don't even make it any better. Take God out of the equation and then nothing is left. No wonder it appears too many people are confused about their identity and their responsibilities as men and women and what they should look like or act like or be like.

In order to stay within the scope of the subject, I will give a  brief explanation on how some of these ''false doctrines'' - what I have termed ''Stinking thinking'' (in no particular order) impact on abusive personalities.

Crying is not a sign of weakness, it's an expression of emotion. Emotions if bottled up will lead to an outburst of misplaced anger. A child raised with a ''big boys don't cry'' mentality will only lead to an angry adult or possibly a bully or an abuser because they have mastered the act of not being able to express themselves.

On the issues of trust ''don't trust any man or woman'' mentality, children are being raised to be suspicious and defensive. These acts breed insecurities. An insecure man or woman could fall into two extremes of either putting up a facade or false identity of being tough or controlling and possibly manipulative (superiority complex) to being a totally withdrawn demoralised adult (inferiority complex)

''men are horrible'' '''men are dogs'' ''men will let you down'' ''don't take nonsense from any man'' ..All these lead to gender resentments, segregation and confusion. A child raised with that sort of mentality will not only be temperamental but will also be utterly disrespectful to any man or woman, young or old

Saying ''please'', ''thank you'' and ''I'm sorry'' shouldn't be difficult. But where children are being raised ''not to apologise to a woman'' or anyone they're being taught not to humble themselves and accept responsibility for their actions. Lack of integrity is being modelled to them. They're being trained to be insensitive to other people's feelings by not showing any sense of remorse or empathy.

No amount of money spent on gifts can redeem you from an offended partner if genuine repentance or apology does not precede it. If the gift is accepted you'll be losing their respect. We have generations of men today who still view women as inferior beings. Her place is in the kitchen. She can only be seen but must not be heard. She's there to produce and raise children. ''I'm from the old school, I make all the decisions for us''. There's no wisdom in that.

''Don't be faithful to any one woman but don't get caught'' ..Promoting promiscuity....period!Men and women can be used as tools to satisfy sexual appetite with No commitment to anyone. The result, physical and emotional adultery, fornication, pornography, sexting etc

Add all these up including some other cultural and religious beliefs across the globe, then you'll understand the reason there are many homes suffering from domestic violence. This is where Godly parenting skills come in to play. Raise your children the way they should go so when they grow up they will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6)
As growing and grown adults you cannot continue to blame your parents for your actions, you make your own choices.
Take for instance a family of two sons and two daughters same parents, same upbringing, father was a drug user, mother was a prostitute. Children all grown up, one son became a drug user, other son was decent and lived a normal life. One daughter became a prostitute, the other daughter was decent and lived a normal life. When asked why, the sons had same reasons..''because dad was a drug user''. The daughters had same reasons..''because mum was a prostitute''. Choices!

I Corinthians 13:11 -'' When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things''. Are you an adult trapped in childish mentality? Food for thought

A gentle reminder to parents and all parents to be...First, children don't remain children forever, They grow up! As you're growing so are they. Secondly, You don't own your children. They're not your possessions. Thirdly, They're not meant to correct the mistakes of your past. They've got their lives and God's divine purpose and destinies to fulfil.  It's your responsibility as a parent to be a guard and guide but not a god! Don't become a stumbling block in their lives. They will make their own mistakes and with God on their side, they'll learn from them.

Global statistical reports on domestic abuse show that more women experience domestic abuse than men do. The lower percentage of men experiencing domestic abuse doesn't make it any less important. The reason why more men are perpetrators of abuse and women are victims comes down to the fact many men were raised with high doses of superiority complex and entitlement mentality to do and undo without taking responsibilities for their actions and raised to see women as lesser human beings.

In Nigeria and other African countries, our cultural values are major contributing factors to this mentality. So, many men feel justified to react with violence to any action perceived as a challenge on their authority or provocation leaving many women to feel helpless, justifying the abuse, accept blames and made to take responsibility for the abusers' actions. These result in promoting the ''Silence culture''. What's there to report? and to whom? if it's the norm!

Where you have a high dose of superiority complex multiplied by a high dose of entitlement mentality, the result is an overdose of Abuse.

It looks like this:                   Superiority Complex x Entitlement Mentality = Abuse

As complex as domestic abuse is, the solution is as simple as the Power of Decisions to make better choices.

The decision to be more responsible
The decision to ALWAYS exercise self-control and not retaliate with violence during conflicts
The decision to recognise women as human beings and not objects of ridicule or mere ''women'
The decision to treat another human being even better than we will like to be treated
The decision to be protectors of abuse and not perpetrators
The decision to condemn abusive behaviours
The decision to ensure perpetrators are brought to justice
The decision to be our brothers/sister's keeper

Being abusive is a conscious choice, a personal decision to react or respond with violence, particularly on the home front. Generally, domestic abusers are not abusive to other people outside the home if confronted with similar or same challenges. That's the reason I refer to the ''victims'' as ''Targets''. So, as a Target, you have the power to refuse to be subjected to abuse.

Men and women experience domestic abuse/violence on a daily basis. Just as it's difficult for women to speak out, it's equally difficult for men to speak out.

I hope from all listed, we can begin to understand that the journey to ending domestic abuse lies in each of us. If we can get rid of the mentality to generalise certain attributes to a specific gender, make conscious decisions to resolve conflicts without being abusive either way, we can achieve better quality relationships in our homes.

If you can identify with any of these ''stinking thinking'', bear in mind that your actions have negative impacts on your spouse/partner and children who may not be in a position to challenge you or speak out. Begin to take responsibility for your actions, make conscious efforts and decisions to be better spouses and be humble enough to seek counselling.

Thank you for visiting, please leave your comments. I will appreciate your constructive feedback. Feel free to share useful information with your loved ones and use the hashtag #NurturedNotTortured to show your support for Domestic Violence related causes.

With Love,

Fèyísìtàn
O.A Dip.Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

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